im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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