the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
