Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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