he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my shit smells like andre
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My liver just had a heart attack.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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