i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
