Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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