K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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