she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
