I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
