The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
