My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
