i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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