My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
