I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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