True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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