The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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