Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
