I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
