Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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