why do cheetos always look like penises
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
