I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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