I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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