It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
