You can't motorboat a personality
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
