Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
