Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
