i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
