Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
