I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
