I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
a search helicopter?!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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