as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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