you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
