I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
