Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
