I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
