I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
