Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
