im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
