Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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