WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
