Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
