you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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