are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
