I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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