sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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