I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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