Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
