at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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