So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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