a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
