Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
