Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
