Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
