I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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