Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
