im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
