Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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