You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
