I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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