it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just found puke in my bra..
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
